Season 01, Episode 04 Script


NARRATOR: Previously on the Spoony Bard’s aural theatre…

[Insert sound-byte summary reel]

CALVIN: Welcome to The Spoony Bard’s Aural Theatre! I’m Calvin Reburn (and I’m RPG Rabbit!), and this is a podcast in which we perform dramatic adaptations of retro video games, in much the same style as an old-timey radio play. In our inaugural season, we are performing Final Fantasy IV, using the original music and sound effects and dialogue as it appeared in this classic SNES title

RPG RABBIT: In this, our fourth episode, Cecil comes to terms with and moves beyond the sins of his past, we return to Baron, and we take to the skies! We’ll also meet some wicked new bad guys and reunite with some old friendly faces!

CALVIN: Please enjoy episode four!


MUSIC CUE: FADE IN “The Lunarians”

Mysterious Voice: Break from your past and overcome your darkness. Only then will you receive the holy power.

NARRATOR: Cecil stands before the mirrored wall of the mysterious silver chamber hidden at the top of Mount Ordeals and stares at his advancing reflection. Although Cecil’s armor and weapons have been transformed by the holy power of a paladin, the figure emerging from the mirror is clad in the armor of a dark knight. The doppelganger solidifies and stands before him. Tellah, Palom, and Porom look on in wonder.

Tellah: !?

Palom: What’s goin’ on!?

Porom: There are two of them!

NARRATOR: The dark knight lunges towards Cecil, and he stumbles back.

MUSIC CUE: STOP“The Lunarians” START “Run!”

Tellah jumps to his friend’s aid.

Tellah: Cecil!

NARRATOR: Porom and Palom race forward to help.

Palom: Geez!

Porom: Look out!

NARRATOR: Cecil looks back at his friends and shakes his head.

Cecil: Stay back! This is my battle, to atone for my wrongs.

NARRATOR: Cecil turns back towards his dark reflection and strides towards it. The dark knight stumbles backward and slips back into the mirror. Cecil attacks!

SOUND EFFECT: “Battle start!” MUSIC CUE: START “The Red Wings”

Cecil faces off against his darker half, armed with the sword of light granted to him by the mysterious voice. He can no longer use his dark attack to harm his enemy by sacrificing his own vitality, but he has in return gained the power cast white magic spells with which to heal himself and others. He lashes out at the dark knight before him with his sword of light. The dark knight lifts its black sword and summons forth the familiar crescent-shaped bolts of the dark attack to tear at Cecil’s holy armor. Cecil is susceptible to the reflection’s power and must cast cure on himself to restore his health. The mysterious voice rings out once again.

Mysterious voice: A true paladin…will sheathe his sword.

NARRATOR: Cecil heals himself again, trying his best to withstand the dark knights relentless attacks. He can cast cure only a handful of times before exhausting his limited magical energies. Soon, Cecil is driven to his knees. Near unconsciousness, he tears into his pack for a hi-potion. Feeling strengthened, he slashes at the dark knight. The mysterious voice speaks again.

Mysterious voice: A true paladin…will sheathe his sword.

NARRATOR: In a flash of insight, Cecil realizes what he must do. He sheathes his sword and defends himself. The dark knight does not relent. Cecil is soon unable to stand. He gulps down another hi-potion with barely enough time to avoid a fatal blow. He does not attack his doppelganger again. For a third time, the voice echoes around him.

Mysterious Voice: Some fight for law. Some fight for justice. Cecil…What will you fight for?

NARRATOR: Cecil’s dark reflection lets fall its sword and slowly fades away.

MUSIC CUE: STOP “The Red Wings”

One last time, Cecil hears the mysterious voice. The still reflection of the dark knight returns to the mirror.

Mysterious voice: Well done. Now receive my spirit of light, and remember: Golbez must be stopped. Farewell, my son.

NARRATOR: Cecil reaches out to the mirror.

Cecil: Please, wait!

NARRATOR: The room is filled with a blue glow that slowly fades through each color of the rainbow. The mirror flashes with bright, silvery light, there is a crescendo of white illumination, and then the glow is gone. Cecil sees himself in the mirror as he is, as a warrior of light.

MUSIC CUE: “Paladin fanfare.” [RPG Rabbit: This isn’t in the soundtrack, but it sounds like a longer version of the new party fanfare, but extended and in a different key. You’ll have to rip it. It continues under the dialogue up to Tellah remembering his spells.]

Cecil becomes a paladin. [RPG Rabbit: OBVIOUSLY we should end the episode here.]  [RPG Rabbit: Okay, nope, we changed our minds because we spent a lot of time debating the end.]


Porom and Palom rush to Cecil’s side, but Tellah does not approach and turns away.

Porom: Are you alright?

Palom: Dude, look at you! High five!

Porom: Palom!

NARRATOR: Cecil does not look at the twins.

Cecil: This feeling… I can’t explain it. It seems…so familiar. What was that voice?

NARRATOR: Tellah, his back to the others, cries out.

Tellah: Oh… OH, YES! [RPG Rabbit: I can’t wait to hear how dirty you make this sound in your first few takes.]

NARRATOR: Porom addresses him with concern.

Porom: Master Tellah?

Tellah: My spells! I remember them now!!

NARRATOR: Tellah remembers all of his spells. He looks up in surprise as Cecil, Porom, and Palom turn to stare at him.

Tellah: !? Me… Meteo? That light! Somehow it broke the seal upon Meteo!

MUSIC CUE: PLAY “Party Join Fanfare”

NARRATOR: Tellah learns Meteo.

MUSIC CUE: START “The Lunarians”

Porom: My goodness.

Palom: Hey, Porom…

NARRATOR: Palom takes Porom aside from Cecil and whispers to her. They both nod at each other, then return to stand in front of Cecil.

Porom: Um…

Palom: To tell you the truth, we–

NARRATOR: Tellah finally turns to address his friends, interrupting Palom.

Tellah: Golbez is doomed!! Huah ha ha!

NARRATOR: The others turn to stare at Tellah once again.

Tellah: Come, Cecil! to Baron!

NARRATOR: Cecil doesn’t respond.

Cecil: …

NARRATOR: He returns his gaze and his attentions to the mirrored wall, at the spot from which the reflection of the dark knight had disappeared.

Cecil: I still don’t understand. That light… It called me “my son”… And why did it mention Golbez?

NARRATOR: Tellah turns around and marches through the wall of the silver room. Palom turns to call out to him.

Palom: Hey, wait up!

NARRATOR: Palom looks back and forth several times between Cecil and and the wall through which Tellah disappeared, then leaps into the air and hurries after Tellah. Porom turns back to Cecil.

Porom: Are you ready to go?

NARRATOR: Cecil’s eyes remain fixed upon the mirror.

Cecil: …Yeah.

NARRATOR: Cecil finally turns away, and he follows Porom towards the exit. As she leaves, he turns one last time to stare at the mirror, then shakes his head and hurries after his friends.


MUSIC CUE: FADE IN “Mount Ordeals”

Cecil and the others emerge from the circle of standing stones at the summit of Mount Ordeals. They journey back down the mountain, intending to return to Mysidia. When they are beset by monsters, Cecil discovers that he feels strangely weak. By relinquishing his dark powers, he has forfeited his previous prowess in battle, and he must learn to use his new strength. He is quick of study. His sword of light cuts through the Ghast before him as if they are made of air. Filled with the honorable strength of a paladin, he finds his endurance greater than ever before, and he uses his strength to defend and cover his allies, bearing the attacks of the undead to keep Porom’s frail form safe. Cecil rapidly regains his strength, and by the time the party leaves the slopes of Mount Ordeals and reaches Mysidia, he feels almost his old self.

MUSIC CUE: FADE OUT “Mount Ordeals” FADE IN “Mystic Mysidia”

Cecil’s reception in the village is somewhat warmer this time around, albeit rather more incredulous. The black mage who turned Cecil into a toad can hardly believe it.

Black Mage: No way! How the heck did you…!?

NARRATOR: Nor can any of the other mages.

Black Mage: Wh–how did YOU become a paladin!?

White Mage: You must conduct yourself like a paladin now.

White Mage: Blankety-blank! That form… Have you become a paladin? Wow…

NARRATOR: A few seem almost supportive.

White Mage: I shall pray for you hereon.

NARRATOR: But not everyone in Mysidia can forget the past.

Black Mage: I still can’t find it in my heart to forgive you.

NARRATOR: Before returning to the Elder, Cecil and the others stop by the armor shop.

Black Mage: I told you, you can’t use the weapons here until you become…a paladin? How…?

NARRATOR: Cecil purchases a complete set of paladin’s armor and equips himself, then heads to the Inn to rest before reporting to the Elder. On the way to the Innkeeper, Cecil cuts through the bar.

Black Mage: <Hiccup!> Damn, I’ve had too much. I could’ve sworn I just saw a paladin…

White Mage: What splendor… So this is the light of a paladin?

Black Mage: Wow, you look magnificent!

Black Mage Barkeep: I’ll be damned. You did it. [Calvin Redburn: This is the same fellow who said, “Die you stupid knight!”? I think it would be nice to revisit this man.]

Black Mage: So, you have become a paladin. I suppose it was your destiny.

Black Mage: Hereafter, you have my complete trust.

White Mage: Imagine! Freed from darkness, you now shine as brilliant as the sun! [Calvin Redburn: Actually, for all of this, maybe we could record the lines and have them play all over one another, like Cecil is moving through the village among astounded mages.]


NARRATOR: After their strength is restored with rest, Cecil returns with his friends to the House of Prayer to speak with the Elder.

Elder: Unbelievable! You’ve succeeded!

NARRATOR: Porom and Palom come forward to flank Cecil.

Porom: Sir Cecil fought brilliantly.

Palom: I’ll say. He passed with flying colors.

NARRATOR: Cecil looks back and forth at the twins.

Cecil: What?

Elder: Forgive me. I assigned them to spy on you. As it turned out, there was no need for it. Palom, Porom, good work.

NARRATOR: The twins turn to face Cecil.

Palom: Hey, no hard feelings, alright?

Porom: I’m sorry.

Cecil: It’s okay. You did the right thing, considering all I’ve done.

Elder: But now, you are a paladin and… That sword! Where did you get it?

Cecil: On Mt. Ordeals.

NARRATOR: The Elder examines the sword.

Elder: The inscription on this sword matches a passage from Mysidian legend.

Cecil: Legend?

MUSIC CUE: FADE OUT “Mystic Mysidia” FADE IN “FFIV Prelude”

NARRATOR: One born of a dragon,

bearing darkness and light,

shall rise to the heavens

over the still land.

Bathing the moon in eternal

light, he brings a promise

to Mother Earth with bounty

and grace. [RPG Rabbit: This text scrolls INCREDIBLY…SLOWLY…over a solid blue screen while playing the Prelude.]

MUSIC CUE: FADE OUT “FFIV Prelude”  FADE IN “Long Way to Go”

Cecil: The light at Ordeals called me “son.” What was that light?

Elder: I don’t know, nor do I know what the legend means. But we Mysidians, for generations, are told to pray for the fulfillment of this legend and to believe in the one with the sacred light. And I believe you just might be that one.

NARRATOR: Tellah strides forward, pushing Porom aside.

Tellah: Enough talk! We must go defeat Golbez!

NARRATOR: The Elder reacts in surprise.

Elder: Tellah?

Tellah: It’s been a while.

NARRATOR: Porom turns to the Elder.

Porom: We met him on Mt. Ordeals.

NARRATOR: Palom spins in excited circles.

Palom: And guess what? The old man learned Meteo.

Elder: What!? Meteo, the legendary spell, unsealed? What is happening to this world…?

Tellah: I couldn’t care less as long as I avenge Anna!

Elder: Your daughter Anna?

Tellah: Golbez took her life. I swear I’ll crush him with my Meteo!

Elder: Tellah, you should not fight with hatred. Besides, you are in no condition to use Meteo.

Tellah: If I die, so be it! I will kill Golbez at any cost!

Elder: …Still stubborn as a mule, I see.

Tellah: And you still have a big mouth!

Elder: Nevertheless, with your spells and Cecil’s newfound power, you might be able to defeat Golbez.

Cecil: In any case, we must return to Baron to commander an airship first.

Elder: Very well. I will have the Devil’s Road opened. As a paladin, I am certain you can safely travel the bedeviled path. Well, I will retire to the Tower of Worship now. Cecil, Tellah, I pray for your success.

Cecil: Thank you.

NARRATOR: Cecil turns to leave, followed closely by Tellah. Porom and Palom look at each other.

MUSIC CUE: FADE OUT “Long Way to Go” FADE IN “Porom and Palom”

The twins race up to Cecil before he can leave the House of Prayer and hem him in. Cecil looks from Porom to Palom and back again. The Elder steps forward.

Elder: Palom, Porom, return to your studies.

NARRATOR: The young mages turn to face their Elder.

Porom: Elder, please allow us to accompany him.

Palom: You’re the one who told us to help him.

Elder: …You have both overcome the trials of Ordeals to return alive. Perhaps this is your fate. Please look after them.

NARRATOR: Cecil turns imploringly to the Elder.

Cecil: But…

NARRATOR: The twins turn back to Cecil.

Palom: Hey, you got a problem?

Porom: I’m sure we can still be of assistance.

NARRATOR: Tellah shrugs.

Tellah: They’re annoying runts, but we could use their help.

Cecil: Alight. I’m counting on you all.

NARRATOR: Palom leaps into the air.

Palom: Yeaaah, baby!

Porom: Palom, this is not some picnic!

MUSIC CUE: FADE OUT “Porom and Palom”

Elder: The entrance to the Devil’s Road lies on the east side of town. Palom, Porom, train well and return safely. Good luck to you all.

NARRATOR: The Elder withdraws to the Tower of Worship. [RPG Rabbit: Actually, the Elder WALKS BACKWARDS UP THE STAIRS in a way that is both unnatural and frankly a little creepy, but I think describing this would ruin the mood.]

Elder: I believe you hold the key to our fate. All I can do is pray.

Black Mage: The elder often prays here ever since that incident.

White Mage: We pray for all souls.

MUSIC CUE FADE IN “Mystic Mysidia”

NARRATOR: Cecil, Porom, Palom, and Tellah leave the House of Prayer and head to the east of town. There, in an unmarked and unremarkable building behind the Inn, they find the entrance to the Devil’s Road. Inside, the bare stone room holds only a square of strange white pillars [RPG Rabbit: Which look like dicks.] surrounding a circular platform on the cobbled stone floor. Cecil steps onto the platform. The room flashes with brilliant green light.

SOUND EFFECT: “Crazy awesome theremin noises” [RPG Rabbit: You’ll have to rip this.]

Cecil and the others are borne invisibly through the air above the Mysidian peninsula, over the sea, and through the air above the mountains until at last they come to the Kingdom of Baron.


MUSIC CUE: START “Welcome to Our Town”

NARRATOR: The strange noises cease, and Cecil and his friends find themselves in a room almost identical to the entrance of the Devil’s Road in Mysidia aside from the fact that there is no visible door. Cecil steps off the white platform and moves towards the wall. A hidden door springs open at his approach. On the other side of the wall is a hallway and an exit. Cecil opens the wooden door and finds himself back in the town of Baron. The villagers seem agitated, whispering warnings to Cecil when he approaches them.

Man: Do not defy the king or you’ll end up like Cid.

Old man: I believe the king has gone mad!

NARRATOR: Most of the inhabitants of Baron do not seem to recognize Cecil.

Boy: I wonder if that dark knight really died. I kinda liked him.

NARRATOR: Cecil cannot, however, disguise himself from those who know him. He stops by Rosa’s house to check on her mother.

Rosa’s Mother: Where’s Rosa!? She left Baron to find you!

NARRATOR: Cecil has no answer for her. He and the others head to the northwest of town to Cid’s house to seek tidings of the engineer, but in this they are disappointed. Cid’s daughter paces the house alone.

Cid’s daughter: Cecil, you’re alive! Have you seen my father? He hasn’t returned from the castle for the longest time!

NARRATOR: Cecil takes his leave and continues to scout out the town. He heads up to the reservoir to see how his friend the dancer is doing.

Dancer: I haven’t been able to dance lately. New rules. [RPG Rabbit: Better?]

NARRATOR: A woman walking near the weapons shop has an interesting tidbit of news.

Woman: I saw a strange monk with the soldiers at the inn.

NARRATOR: The party swings by the Inn to check things out. The Innkeeper’s daughter plays quietly in the foyer.

Girl: Scary soldiers are always here, so not many people come here anymore.

NARRATOR: Cecil passes a woman on his way down the hallway that leads to the bar.

Woman: The soldiers are so rowdy and do whatever they like!

NARRATOR: Cecil approaches the bar to order a drink. The bartender has some important gossip to share.

Barkeep: I hear the king confined Cid in the castle as punishment for hiding the newest airship.

NARRATOR: Looking around, Cecil spots a familiar figure sitting at a table with two soldiers wearing the uniform of the castle guard. Cecil approaches the table. One of the guards snaps at him.

Baron Guard: Where’s my drink!? What are you lookin’ at !?

NARRATOR: Cecil ignores him and addresses the monk who sits before him.

Cecil: Yang!

Yang: ?

Cecil: It’s me, Cecil!

Yang: Cecil… Baron’s knight turned traitor. Seize him!

NARRATOR: The guards salute.

Guard: Yes, sir!

MUSIC CUE: STOP “Welcome to Our Town” START “Fight 2”

NARRATOR: The guards draw their swords and attack! Cecil’s sword whips through the air at one of the guards the attackers the assailants, but the guard’s shield deflects much of the damage. Palom casts Fire, but before the spell is finished, one of the guards steps forward and casts a spell on Porom that shrinks her to the size of a doll! Though she can still cast magic, she can do little else, and she is vulnerable. The guards come close to defeating her in her weakened state before Cecil scrambles to cover her. Palom and Tellah burn the soldiers to a crisp with their powerful fire spells while Cecil defends Porom. Though the guards are defeated, Yang will not be deterred. Cecil stares at his friend.

Cecil: Yang! What’s wrong!?

Yang: You insolent wretch!

NARRATOR: Yang lunges at Cecil, who backs away. Yang attacks! Porom is still a shrunken shadow of herself, so Cecil positions his body between her and the monk’s fierce attacks. She starts to cast Cure on herself, but before she can complete the spell, Yang leaps into the air.

Yang: Die!

NARRATOR: Yang’s mighty flying kick careens into the entire party, and Porom falls unconscious. Palom burns the monk with powerful fire magic in revenge for his sister as Tellah casts a spell of life that returns Porom to consciousness and full health, although she is still tiny. She creates armor out of her magic to protect herself as her brother calls bolts of lightning from the sky to sear Yang’s flesh. The monk, undeterred, leaps into another flying kick!


Yang: Kiai!

NARRATOR: Palom falls to his knees, grievously injured. Cecil slashes at Yang with his sword.

Yang: Ugh…

NARRATOR: Yang falls.

MUSIC CUE: STOP “Fight 2” [RPG Rabbit: No victory fanfare after either of these battles.]

His prone form lies still on the stone floor of the tavern. After a moment, he stirs, blinks, and climbs to his feet.

MUSIC CUE: START “Welcome to Our Town”

Yang: Cecil! What just happened? After Leviatan attacked us…I cannot remember anything.

NARRATOR: Tellah steps forward.

Tellah: Obviously, you suffered a slight case of amnesia and were being used by Baron.

NARRATOR: Yang bows his head. Cecil looks at him.

Cecil: Do you know what happened to Rydia and Edward?

NARRATOR: Yang returns his attention to Cecil.

Yang: Rydia was swallowed by Leviatan. I don’t know what happened to Edward.

Cecil: I see.

NARRATOR: Cecil bows his head and stands silent. Yang looks around at the bar, the floor, the walls, and the ceiling.

Yang: Where are we?

Cecil: Baron. Let’s get a room to discuss everything.

MUSIC CUE: STOP “Welcome to Our Town” START “Party join fanfare” START “Welcome to Our Town”

NARRATOR: High Monk Yang joins the party. Cecil leads him and the others back to the Innkeeper’s desk in the foyer. The Innkeeper nods at them.

Innkeeper: Thanks for taking care of those soldiers. You’re more than welcome to spend the night here.

NARRATOR: Cecil, Tellah, Palom, Porom, and Yang withdraw into the Inn’s sleeping chamber. Palom jumps straight into the nearest bed and immediately falls asleep, but the others gather in the center of the room to strategize. Cecil begins.

Cecil: Yang, this is Tellah. His daughter and Edward–

Tellah: My daughter loved him enough to sacrifice her life for him.

Yang: I am sorry for your loss. I am Yang, of Fabul.

NARRATOR: Still in bed, Palom waves and introduces himself.

Palom: Ahem! I am Palom, of Mysidia… Heh heh, pretty good impersonation, huh? [RPG Rabbit: I guess he’s making fun of Yang because he’s a little punk.]

NARRATOR: Yang turns to regard the young mage. Porom turns to him.

Porom: Please don’t mind him. I’m his twin sister, Porom.

NARRATOR: Palom glares at the monk.

Palom: Hey, that kick really hurt! How could you let them play you like that?

NARRATOR: Palom rolls over in bed and faces the wall away from Yang. The monk turns away and stares at his feet. Porom is scandalized.

Porom: Palom! Apologize!

NARRATOR: Yang shakes his head.

Yang: No, he is right. Forgive my actions.

NARRATOR: Cecil gets things back on track.

Cecil: Well, first things first. We have to find Cid.

Tellah: Sneaking into the castle won’t be easy.

NARRATOR: Yang feels something in his pocket. Confused, he draws it forth and holds it up.

Yang: Hm? What is this?

NARRATOR: Cecil comes forward to take a look.

Cecil: This is the Baron Key! Of course! They must’ve given it to you when they gave you command of those guards. With this key, I believe we’ll be able to find Cid.

MUSIC CUE: STOP “Welcome to Our Town” START “Party join fanfare”

NARRATOR: The party receives the Baron Key. Cecil and the others will be ready to sneak into Baron Castle the next morning, but first they must rest and recover.


MUSIC CUE: START “Welcome to Our Town”

NARRATOR: The morning dawns. Cecil and the others prepare to leave the Inn.

Cecil: All set!

NARRATOR: The party heads to the northwest corner of town. Here, set into a wall behind a stand of tall grass, is a door. Cecil tries the handle; it’s locked. He reaches into the party’s bags and draws forth the Baron Key. There is a satisfying click as he unlocks the door.

SOUND EFFECT: “Lock click” “Door open” MUSIC CUE: FADE OUT “Welcome to our Town” FADE IN “Into the Darkness”

On the other side lies a small stone chamber with a set of stairs leading down into darkness. The skull of some unknown beast glares down at them from the wall above the stairs. As Cecil approaches the stairs, he notices a curious alcove on the right side of the room. It seems to serve no functional purpose. Suspicious, he tests the wall, and sure enough, he discovers a secret passage that leads to a small, square room in the center of which stands a treasure chest that contains 1000 gil. Moderately enriched, Cecil and the others return to the stairs and descend into the waterway below the town of Baron. The stairs lead down into a natural cave system through which an underground river meanders. Narrow wooden bridges span the curves of the river. Piranhas and Evil Shells crawl out of the water to attack the adventurers, but the lightning magic of Palom and Tellah easily turns the creatures to ash. More problematic are the Electric Fish, who absorb the power of lightning into their bodies. Cecil and Yang make quick work of these creatures with their physical attacks, however. In the northern tunnels of the waterway, Cecil and the others are attacked by an Aqua Worm, an enormous, segmented creature undulating with tiny tentacles. It  sends a great wave of water to crash over the entire party. Tellah destroys it with a powerful bolt of lightning before it can seriously harm anyone. After navigating the twists and turns of the network of bridges, Cecil and the others ascend a flight of stairs to the second level of the caverns. Here they must wade through shallow water and dark tunnels to find their way. Ascending another set of stairs leads them to a wide tunnel, strewn with boulders and lit by blue torches set into the walls. The next set of stairs leading upwards is quite long, and when Cecil emerges from the tunnel, he discovers that it exits to a drain in the moat behind Baron Castle.

MUSIC CUE: FADE OUT “Into the Darkness” FADE IN “Kingdom of Baron”

Cecil and his friends wade through the shallow water around the walls, seeking an entrance. On the southeast corner they find a set of stairs leading to a small archway. Passing through it, Cecil finds himself in the courtyard of Baron Castle, just outside of the dungeons. The castle keep and its outlying buildings seem deserted. Cecil and his friends enter the central keep and approach the door to the Throne Room. A voice calls out.

Baigan: Cecil!

NARRATOR: The double doors out to the drawbridge are flung open as Captain Baigan enters, his red cape billowing behind him. Cecil comes forward to meet him.

Baigan: Good of you to return.

Cecil: Baigan.

Baigan: Is something the matter?

Cecil: You serve Golbez as well?

Baigan: Never! As captain of the Royal Guard, my loyalty lies with Baron.

Cecil: Where is Cid? I heard he was confined somewhere in the castle.

Baigan: I, too, have attempted to find him, but my men and I were ambushed. Now, I remain the sole survivor.

Cecil: Then let us find him together.

Baigan: It would be an honor to join you.

MUSIC CUE: STOP “Kingdom of Baron” PLAY  “Party Join Fanfare”

NARRATOR: Captain Baigan of the Royal Guard joins the party.

MUSIC CUE: START “Kingdom of Baron”

Baigan falls in with the others as Cecil leads the way towards the throne room. Just as he is about to pass between the shields hanging on either side of the door, Porom and Palom break away from the group and fall back. Cecil and Baigan turn around and look at them.

MUSIC CUE: STOP “Kingdom of Baron”

Cecil: What is it?

Palom: Something’s wrong.

Porom: Yes. I sense danger. A monster?

Baigain: What!?

NARRATOR: Baigun looks wildly back and forth. Palom shakes his fist.

Palom: Oh, give me a break.

Porom: What shameful acting!

Cecil: Baigan, you also betray Baron!?

Baigan: Golbez’s wishes are Baron’s wishes. He granted a wonderful power to me. Observe!

SOUND EFFECT “Battle Start!” MUSIC CUE: “Fight 1” [Calvin Redburn: This is Fight 2.]Fight 2”

NARRATOR: Baigan’s body expands, muscles hulking up under his skin. In an instant, a monster stands before them, an enormous hunchback with scaly purple skin, beefy arms, and the fanged head of a snake. Instead of hands, Baigan’s wrists terminate with a pair of hissing snake heads. The monster attacks! Cecil leaps to cover Palom as Baigan slams Yang twice in succession, once with each arm. Palom scorches and cauterizes the monster’s right arm as Yang and Cecil take it in turns to pummel the left. Before they can hew off the mighty arm, Baigan crushes Porom to the ground, rendering her instantly unconscious. Palom pulls a Life potion from the party’s packs and revives her as Tellah takes care of the attacking arm without Cecil or Yang’s aid, burning it to nothing but a stump. Cecil and Yang use this opening to slash and strike Baigan’s undefended body, but before they can defeat the crearyre, there is a ripple, and Baigan regenerates both arms (“SOUND EFFECT: “Regenerate!”). Tellah counters by summoning his mightiest fire spell and burning away both of Baigan’s arms at the same time, as well as singeing the monstrous body. Baigun casts a magical wall around his body and imeadiately regenerates his arms. [RPG Rabbit: OH WAIT I JUST NOTICED THAT HE HAS SNAKES FOR HANDS. I have to go back and add this critically important detail.] When Palom tries to engulf all of the monster at once with flame, the fire rebounds off the magical wall and into Yang. Porom heals the damage. The spellcasters switch to a different tactic, each repeatedly burning off one of Baigan’s freakish snake arms as Cecil and Yang assault the creature’s body. Each time Baigan reforms his arms, he deals Cecil a mighty blow. Porom cures the paladin as quickly as she can. All too soon, Tellah exhausts his magical endurance. He swallows some of the party’s scant supply of ether, a potion that recharges his spellcasting abilities, and returns to the fray. Just as Palom burns the second arm to nothing, Tellah flings a spell of Bio and melts Baigun away with poisonous green goo.

MUSIC CUE: STOP “Fight 1” PLAY ‘Victory Fanfare” START “Kingdom of Baron”

The battle won, the twins rush to Cecil’s side. Palom strikes his cheeky pose.

Palom: Scrap Metal! Nothin’ to it!

NARRATOR: Cecil looks at the floor.

Cecil: Even Baigan, who seemed so loyal…

NARRATOR: Cecil and the others pass between the shields, through a pair of double doors flanked by red banners, through the carpeted antechamber before the throne room, and into the throne room itself. The king of Baron sits upon the dais. Cecil mounts the stairs to the throne and approaches him.

King: Cecil!? You ingrate! How dare you renounce the dark sword without my authority!?

Cecil: …How dare YOU renounce your duty to your people, “Your Majesty”!

King: Your who?

MUSIC CUE: FADE OUT “Kingdom of Baron”

Oh, you must mean the old duffer who refused to surrender this kingdom. Kahaha. I must say I’ve enjoyed impersonating him.

Cecil: What have you done with the king!?

King: You’ll see him soon enough. Oh, and give my regards to Milon when you see him in hell. That weakling never deserved to be one of the Four Fiends of Elements.

Cecil: !?

SOUND EFFECT: “Vrooooooowowowom!”

NARRATOR: The room is suffused with a blue-green glow and the air seems to shimmer. The king’s body flickers for an instant and there is a flash of blue.

MUSIC CUE: START “Tower of Zot”

The king disappears and is replaced in the royal seat by a monstrous blue and green turtle with evil eyes.

King: Behold! I am the Devil of Water, Cagnazzo!

MUSIC CUE: STOP “Tower of Zot” SOUND EFFECT: “Battle Start!” MUSIC CUE: START “The Dreadful Fight”

NARRATOR: Cagnazzo looms up before them, a gargantuan turtle with clawed limbs that seemed disturbingly human and a wide smiling mouth filled with sharp teeth. Cecil shields Porom as Yang springs forward to strike at Cagnazzo.

Tsunami warning!

NARRATOR: A wall of water appears around Cagnazzo. Palom prepares a spell, but beofre he can cast it, the water around Cagnazzo coalesces, and an enormous wave breaks across Cecil and his friends, overwhelming Porom and Tellah. Palom’s blot spell splits the sky and sizzle into Cagnazzo’s shell. The wall of water wavers. The bolt breaks the barrier! The wall of water disappears. Porom hurries to heal herself and her allies. Again, Cagnazzo summons his barrier of water, and again he drenches the party with his devastating wave, leaving Porom and Tellah unconscious. Palom, near his limit, quickly summons another bolt to dispel the water as Cecil and Yang hurry to return the white mage and the sage to consciousness. Cagnazzo casts a spell of haste on himself, increasing the pace of his actions and making it very difficult for Palom to cast bolt quickly enough. Cecil heals the party and Tellah, returned to life, casts an incredibly powerful bolt spell, destroying both the wall of water and Cagnazzo the water fiend himself in one blinding flash.

SOUND EFFECT: “Seriously long monster death static” VICTORY FANFARE

Cagnazzo is defeated!

MUSIC CUE: STOP “Victory Fanfare” SOUND EFFECT: “Door”

Bolt broke the barrier!

Turtle defense!  [RPG Rabbit: These are also “said” by someone during the battle, but I think I will simplu incorporates them into my narration. I’m not sure how to incorporate “Tsunami warning!”]


Cid: You swine!


NARRATOR: Cecil turns to see a familiar begoggled figure stride towards him, fist in the air.

Cid: Lockin’ me up in that stink hole! I’m gonna knock your teeth in! …Eh?

NARRATOR: Cid stops short when he sees who stands before the throne.

Cecil: Cid!

NARRATOR: Cid looks around the throne room quickly, then approaches Cecil and his friends.

Cid: Cecil? Doggone, I thought you croaked! Where’s my beloved Rosa!? She ran after you, convinced that you were still alive.

Cecil: Golbez took her…

Cid: WHAT!? You bumblin’ pinhead!! Curse that Golbez! First my airship, and now Rosa!

NARRATOR: Tellah comes forward to stare Cid in the face.

Tellah: Cut your jabber and lead us to your airship!

NARRATOR: Cid looks from Tellah to Cecil and back.

Cid: Who is this old fart?

Tellah: You bug-eyed stinker!

Cid: Ahh, go get your walker, y’ fossil!

NARRATOR: Cecil advances upon Tellah, but before things can turn ugly, Porom rushes forward and pushes herself between the two men.

Porom: Please, this is not the time. Sir, this is the great sage, Master Tellah.

NARRATOR: The little mage turns to indicate Yang.

Porom: Master Yang, the high monk of Fabul. And I’m Porom, from Mysidia.

NARRATOR: On the other side of Cecil, Palom shakes his head.

Palom: Oh man, oh man… We’ve got another geezer aboard.

Porom: That repulsive brat is my twin brother, Palom.

NARRATOR: Palom spins so his back is to his sister.

Palom: Your goody-two-shoes attitude is gettin’ old.

NARRATOR: The monk bows to the engineer.

Yang: Pleased to meet you.

Cid: Well, ain’t you a mannerly fella.

NARRATOR: Cecil looks back to Cid.

Cecil: Cid, where is your new airship?

Cid: Heh heh heh. where nobody would suspect.

NARRATOR: Cid pumps one fist into the air.

Cid: Wait ’til you see my beloved! She’s my finest work yet!

NARRATOR: Tellah pushes Porom aside and gets back in Cid’s face.

Tellah: How about today!? Before Rosa’s killed!

NARRATOR: Cid whirls to address him.

Cid: Ahh, go shave your ears! Doggone… Follow me!

NARRATOR: Cid leads the way out of the throne room. Palom lingers, his back to the others until Porom doubles back, grabs him, and drags him out the door. Cid crosses the antechamber, but before he can reach the door, there is a flash and the world goes blue.


Cagnazzo: Kahahahaha… You have defeated me… but you have not heard the last of Cagnazzo. Now join me in the nether world!

NARRATOR: With a sickening rumble, the room begins to shake!


Tellah: The walls!

NARRATOR: The east and west walls of the chamber snap a few feet towards one another, closing in on Cecil and the others.


Cid hurries to examine the door out into the rest of the castle, and Tellah races to the throne room door.

Cid: It’s locked!

Tellah: Same here!

NARRATOR: Tellah looks around wildly. The walls leap in once again.


The room is rapidly growing smaller. Porom and Palom look at each other, nod in unison, then move to stand in the center of the room, backs to one another and faces towards the encroaching walls.

Cecil: Palom! Porom!

NARRATOR: The twins turn to look at Cecil.

Palom: …We got no choice.

Porom: We would’ve followed you forever, Cecil.

NARRATOR: Tellah turns.

Tellah: What!?

Palom: It’s been fun, Cecil.

Porom: Thank you.

Palom: Ready?

Porom: Yeah.

NARRATOR: The children turn to look at each other. Palom nods at his sister. The walls leap in once more.


Cecil: NOOO!

NARRATOR: Porom and Palom are almost touching the walls now. The lift their hands and shout together.

Palon & Porom: Stone!


NARRATOR: The twins flash several times and then they are gone. Stone statues stand in their places, pushing back on the advancing walls and freezing them in place.

Cecil: Palom!!

MUSIC CUE: PLAY “Someone Died Fanfare” START “Cry in Sorrow”

Cecil: Porom!!

NARRATOR: Cecil casts down his eyes as Tellah rushes forward.

Tellah: Hold on! Esuna!


NARRATOR: Esuna’s golden light has no effect on the little mages, as the twins have become stone of their own will. Tellah looks down.

Tellah: You fools!! I’m an old man; it should have been me!

NARRATOR: Yang hangs his head and then turns to address the stone figure that once was Palom.

Yang: Forgive me, Palom, Porom.

NARRATOR: Tellah looks up.

Tellah: I shall avenge you both… Do you hear me!? I shall avenge you!!

NARRATOR: Cid turns to address the others.

Cid: Time for some payback! To the Enterprise!

NARRATOR: Cecil still does not look up.

Cecil: Why…? Golbez…!

FADE OUT “Cry in Sorrow”


NARRATOR: Meanwhile…

MUSIC CUE: PLAY “Somewhere in the World”

Golbez paces the silvery room paved in strange circuitry. Kane stands sentinel beside the bound Rosa, his pose unchanged.

Golbez: He defeated Cagnazzo. His power continues to grow.

NARRATOR: Kain takes a step towards him.

Kain: Sire, regarding the last Crystal–

Golbez: I know. That place remains a problem.

Kain: Then, by all means, let’s have Cecil get it for us.

Golbez: Hmm…

NARRATOR: Golbez turns to regard his liegeman. Kain steps forward to face him.

Kain: I’m certain he will comply; after all, we have Rosa. We can exchange her for the last Crystal.

NARRATOR: Golbez turns away to gaze out over the room.

Golbez: A primitive idea, but it just might work. And I will destroy him at the time of exchange.

Kain: I shall go to convey your terms to him.

NARRATOR: As Kain strides down the stairs and towards the chamber’s exit, Rosa stirs.

Rosa: Kain!

NARRATOR: Kain turns back to call out to Rosa.

Kain: Rosa, you’ll see soon enough that I am superior to Cecil.

NARRATOR: Kain strides from the room as Rosa furiously shakes her head.

MUSIC CUE: FADE OUT “Somewhere in the World”


MUSIC CUE: START “The Red Wings”

NARRATOR: Cid leads Cecil, Yang, and Tellah to an unremarkable wall near a table at the end of the hall near the throne room.

Cecil: I never knew about this.

Cid It’s been here all along.

NARRATOR: Cid pushes up against the wall, and there is a loud click.

SOUND EFFECT: “Wall click bang!”

Cid leads the way through a dark passageway, down a long flight of stairs to a small stone landing, then down another set of stairs to a long gangplank. There, moored in the darkness, is an enormous airship. Cecil and the others board the ship and look around in awe.

Yang: Amazing…

NARRATOR: Cid stands at the bow of the ship.

Cid: Ain’t she a beauty? Let’s go, Enterprise!

NARRATOR: Cid takes the helm and the Enterprise lifts away from the dock.

SOUND EFFECTS: “A bunch of taking off noises”

In a cloud of dust and debris, the great airship slowly rises into the air above the kingdom of Baron.

SOUND EFFECT: “Propeller noise” [RPG Rabbit: Continues under dialogue.]

On the deck of the ship, Cid calls out orders.

Cid: Battle stations! Time to unleash the power of the Enterprise!

Cecil: Wait!

NARRATOR: Cecil runs up behind Cid.

Yang: What is that?

Tellah: It’s a white flag.

FADE OUT “The Red Wings”  SOUND EFFECT: “Different propeller noise”

NARRATOR: A second airship, trimmed in red and flying a white flag, soars in from the east and pulls into a hover aside the Enterprise.

MUSIC CUE: START “Suspicion”

A gangplank extends from the strange ship, and a familiar dragoon stands on the edge of it. Cecil rushes towards the gangplank.

Cecil: Kain!

NARRATOR: Kain regards his old friend for a moment, then takes a few steps into the center of the gangplank.

Kain: Heh! That drag suits you well. [RPG Rabbit: WHOA WHOA, did Kain just call Cecil a drag queen? What.] [Calvin Redburn: He’s a dragoon, Cecil’s in drag…maybe there’s a connection.]

NARRATOR: Cid strides towards the starboard railing.

Cid: Kain! You little maggot!

NARRATOR: Cecil takes a step onto the gangplank towards Kain.

Cecil: Where’s Rosa!?

Kain: If you want her back, bring me the Earth Crystal.

Cecil: The Crystal in Troia?

MUSIC CUE: QUICK FADE OUT “Suspicion” PLAY “Somewhere in the World”

NARRATOR: Tellah moves towards the ship’s railing.

Tellah: You shameless dog!

Kain: We’ll make the trade once you get the Crystal. Remember, Rosa’s life depends on it.

NARRATOR: The monk steps forward.

Yang: You call yourself a knight!?

NARRATOR: Kain turns away and begins to move back to his ship. Cecil pursues him.

Cecil: Snap out of it, Kain! Please!

NARRATOR: Kain turns to look at Cecil.

Kain: I’ve said my piece.

NARRATOR: Kain returns to his ship. His crew withdraws the gangplank and the red airship files off to the west.

SOUND EFFECT “Propeller noise” [RPG Rabbit: This is the first noise, and it continues under these last lines.]

Cecil stands on the deck of the Enterprise, his eyes cast down. Yang approaches him.

Yang: Cecil.

NARRATOR: Cid shakes his head.

Cid: That dirty scumbag…

NARRATOR: Cecil looks up.

Cecil: Cid, set a course northwest…to Troia.


CALVIN: Thus concludes episode four of the Spoony Bard’s aural theatre production of Final Fantasy IV.

RPG RABBIT: But after this one, we’re going to be taking a little intermission.

CALVIN: An intermezzo, if you will. We’re about halfway done with this first season, and we’d like to share some of our trials and tribulations as we’ve blundered our way through the process of recording our first podcast.

RPG RABBIT: Also our bloopers.

CALVIN: Yeah, those, too.

RPG RABBIT: The other reason we’re taking an intermission…I mean, intermezzo, is because we’re going to be attending the Portland Retro Gaming Expo on October 21st through the 23rd!

CALVIN: Maybe you’ll see us there.

RPG RABBIT: Yeah, look for the short, excitable white mage trailed by a very tall Naked Snake in kabuki makeup. We’ll be hard to miss.

CALVIN: We’ll share some of the cool things we saw and the cool people we met in our intermezzo episode, as well.

RPG RABBIT: But you can look forward to episode five, which will be out November 15th! In this episode, Cecil and his friends journey to Troia, a super cool kingdom ruled by ladies. Will the Troians let Cecil barter the Earth Crystal for Rosa? Will Kain and Golbez keep their word? You’ll have to wait and find out!

CALVIN: Thank you for listening! Follow us on Twitter @thespooniest, look for us on Facebook as The Spoony Bard’s Aural Theatre, and check out our website at We’re on Libsyn, iTunes, and Stitcher!
RPG RABBIT: Until next time…the Crystals shed their light silently.