Season 01, Episode 03 Script


NARRATOR: Previously on the Spoony Bard’s aural theatre…

[Insert sound-byte summary reel]

RPG RABBIT: Welcome to The Spoony Bard’s Aural Theatre! I’m RPG Rabbit (and I’m Calvin Reburn), and this is a podcast in which we perform dramatic adaptations of retro video games, in much the same style as an old-timey radio play. In our first season, we are performing Final Fantasy IV, using the original music and sound effects and dialogue as it appeared in this classic SNES title..

CALVIN: In this, our third episode, we rejoin the monks of Fabul as they defend both castle and crystal, we meet some dastardly villains, and we witness Cecil face the sins of his past. [RPG Rabbit: Maybe you’d like to write your own intro, but this is what I would say.]

RPG RABBIT: Please enjoy episode three!


NARRATOR: The people of Fabul Castle, aided by Cecil and Edward, prepare to intercept Baron’s attack and to defend the Wind Crystal. Cecil, Edward, and Yang stand before the gates of the castle, along with three of Yang’s disciples, waiting for the inevitable appearance of Baron’s armies. Suddenly, one of the monks in the courtyard raises the alarm. [Calvin Redburn: Even though we are reiterating the last moment of the previous episode, I think this would benefit from an alteration in the narrative. Maybe a little more introductory? I’m not sure how to explain this, except I’ve seen television shows or maybe even movies where a new episode or installment takes place a little before the previous one ended, and though we (the audience) know that it is the same scene, it plays differently, as a way of perhaps stressing the direness of the situation or to remind us who these people are and that things are really looking bad for them. Just a thought… ]


NARRATOR: Yang lifts his arm, waving his troops forward.

Yang: Attack!

MUSIC CUE: START “Battle” [RPG Rabbit: This music continues under the scene. No victory fanfares.]

NARRATOR: The soldiers of Baron swarm the drawbridge and attack!

SOUND CUE: “Battle Start”

Cecil, Yang, and Edward face off against a Captain of Baron’s guard and two of his soldiers. The Captain shouts an order.

Captain: Charge!

NARRATOR: The two soldiers press the attack, swiftly striking both Cecil and Yang in quick succession. It doesn’t take Cecil and Yang very long to defeat the soldiers, although they sustain some heavy damage in the process. Edward confuses the Captain with the music of his harp, and once his men have fallen, the Captain hastily retreats. Once this first wave is defeated, another monk cries out.


SOUND EFFECT: Rumbles and explosions!

NARRATOR: The Red Wings swoop in above the castle and shell the battlements. The entire castle shakes to its foundations with the force of the bombardment. Cecil and the others watch the attack, unable to intervene from their position on the ground. During a lull in the onslaught, Cecil turns to Yang.

Cecil: We can’t hold them!

Yang: Retreat!

NARRATOR: Cecil, Yang, Edward, and the small band of monks pull back to the castle keep. Once safely ensconced within the stone walls, Yang addresses the tiny force of defenders.

Yang: We are severely outnumbered. I regret involving you all.

NARRATOR: Cecil shakes his head.

Cecil: This is our war, too…and it’s far from over.

NARRATOR: Edward sounds the alarm for the next wave of attackers.

Edward: They’re coming!!

SOUND EFFECT: “Knock knock knock!” “Battle start!” [RPG Rabbit: I guess they’re busting down the door? You’ll need to rip this.]

NARRATOR: The forces of Baron send a squadron of monsters to invade the keep! A Water Hag, an Imp Captain, and a Weeper, a ghostly woman made of smoke and unearthly green light, engage Cecil, Yang, and Edward in battle. Cecil destroys the imp captain with a single slash of his dark sword, and Yang punches the Water Hag into oblivion. Edward attacks the Weeper with his music, but it does little to harm her. Instead, Edward uses a potion to heal the party as Cecil and Yang destroy the Weeper. Their victory against these three assailants does little to turn the tide of the battle at large, and the party watches as more monsters enter the keep, defeat two more of Yang’s monks, and surround the rest. Yang orders a retreat.

Yang: Fall back!

NARRATOR: Two of the remaining monks stay behind, sacrificing themselves to hold the enemy back while Yang, Cecil, Edward, and the last two monks pull back further into the keep. They regroup at the entrance to the throne room. Cecil addresses Yang.

Cecil: The king is behind us. We must hold them here.

NARRATOR: Yang turns to Cecil. [Calvin Redburn: Given the intensity of this scene, I think this narration might interfere with the tone. We know Yang and Cecil are together, and though I DO want to articulate the nuances of the game, in something like this, at least in reading it, I feel like this narration takes me out of the moment, slightly.]

Yang: He has already retreated. We can withdraw into the throne room if the need arises.


NARRATOR: More soldiers burst into the antechamber! Yang meets them head on.

Yang: Crush them!

SOUND EFFECT: “Battle start!”

NARRATOR: Another squadron of Baron’s troops bears down upon Cecil, Yang, and Edward. The Captain orders his soldiers to attack!

Captain: Charge!

NARRATOR: Cecil and Yang bring down the soldiers as Edward heals them with potions. Once his men have fallen, the Captain retreats. The victory is short lived, however, as yet more enemies race up the stairs to attack Fabul’s defenders. Edward shrinks back towards the entrance to the throne room.

Edward: Let’s get out of here!

Yang: ! [Calvin Redburn: I interpret this as a sort of grunt of reluctant frustration.]

NARRATOR: Edward, followed by Cecil, Yang, and one of the monks, back up into the throne room. The last monk defends the door alone, falling quickly to Baron’s soldiers, but buying his comrades enough time to bar the door to the throne room. Once safely inside, Yang addresses Cecil and Edward.

Yang: The door has been locked. We must hold this ground. The Crystal is in the next chamber.

NARRATOR: While Yang’s back is to him, the last monk moves slowly to the door and unbars it.

SOUND EFFECT: “Unlock” [RPG Rabbit: Rip.] [Calvin Redburn: Same sound as treasure chests being unlocked. No ripping necessary.]

Yang turns around. Edward jumps in surprise.

Edward: OH MY GOSH!

Yang: You fool! What are you doing!?

Edward: H-He’s one of them! [Calvin Redburn: There’s a zappazappazing sound here. Like the one used when casting an offensive spell.]

NARRATOR: The monk reveals himself to be a Gargoyle in disguise and rushes to attack the party.

SOUND EFFECT: “Battle start!”

The Gargoyle manages to get only one attack at Cecil before falling to the fierce onslaught from harp, sword, and fist. The moment the creature perishes, however, he is followed by yet more monsters. Another battalion of evil creatures, a Water Hag, an Imp Captain, and a Weeper, throw themselves at the party. Though this battle is no more difficult than the others, the constant deluge of enemies is beginning to take its toll. Yang turns to the others.

Yang: This is endless. Withdraw to the Crystal Room.

NARRATOR: Yang leads the way to a pair of double doors to the left of the throne. Edward falls behind and trips on the stairs. Suddenly, more monsters tear through the door and converge on his prone form.

MUSIC CUE: STOP: “Battle” START “Run!”

Edward: Uwaah!

NARRATOR: Yang and Cecil stop short and turn around.

Cecil: Edward!

SOUND EFFECT: “Battle Start”

NARRATOR: They rush to the bard’s aid. Another squad of Baron’s soldiers attack! The Captain orders his men to rush their foes.

Captain: Charge!

NARRATOR: This time, Cecil and Yang concentrate their attacks on the Captain, who turns out to be much hardier than his men. Soon enough, however, both he and his soldiers are defeated. Cecil, Yang, and Edward pull back into the Crystal room. The floor and the pillars in the chamber glitter with reflected light. The very room seems to be made of crystal. The three men take up their guard around the dias that houses the Wind Crystal. The door to the chamber opens, and a familiar figure strides into the room.


Kain: It’s been a while.

Cecil: Kain! You’re alive!

NARRATOR: Cecil hurries to stand before his old friend.

Cecil: We’ll talk later. For now, fight with us.

Kain: Of course. Three-on-one or one-on-one, your choice.

Cecil: Wh…?

Kain: One-on-one it is.

Cecil: Kain! Wait!!

Kain: En garde!

SOUND EFFECT: “Battle Start!” MUSIC CUE: START “Suspicion”

NARRATOR: Kain attacks Cecil! [Calvin Redburn: I think this is superfluous. I think the BATTLE START sound and the music shift will indicate Kain has attacked.]

Cecil: WHY!?

NARRATOR: Kain leaps high into the air, preparing to deal Cecil a mighty blow with his spear. Cecil cannot attack while the Dragoon is in the air. Kain drops onto Cecil, piercing his armor with the point of his spear.

Kain: Save your breath.


Cecil: Kain!


Kain: Heh heh.

NARRATOR: Kain once again jumps into the air. Cecil tries to defend himself, but he can’t get his guard up fast enough to parry Kain’s blows. Cecil falls to his knees.


Kain: This is it, Cecil.

NARRATOR: For a third time, Kain jumps, dealing a final, devastating attack to the helpless Cecil. Cecil falls. Kain towers over his prone form.

MUSIC CUE: STOP “Suspicion”

Kain: Have you any final words?

Cecil: Kain…you’re under Golbez’s spell…

Kain: Alright. Time to put you out of your misery.

NARRATOR: Yang lunges forward.

Yang: Stop!

NARRATOR: A scream rips the air.

Rosa: NO!

NARRATOR: Rosa rushes into the chamber, Rydia trailing close behind. Kain turns away from Cecil.

Kain: Rosa!

Rosa: Kain, you of all people…

Kain: No, I…

NARRATOR: Kain’s head falls to his chest. Suddenly, a new voice rings through the chamber.

Golbez: Befuddled by a woman? You pitiful wretch. [Calvin Redburn: Golbeezz reverb preset; pitch drop 6 percent.]

NARRATOR: Rosa and Rydia back away from the door as a hulking figure clad in shining black armor stalks into the room.

MUSIC CUE: START “Golbez, Clad in Dark”

NARRATOR: Edward starts back.

Edward: Golbez!

NARRATOR: Cecil raises his head from the floor.

Cecil: So you’re Golbez.

Golbez: Cecil, I presume? Never hesitate to kill, Kain. Observe. This is how it’s done!

Edward: Cecil!

NARRATOR: Edward rushes forward, then thinks better of it and stops. Yang throws himself in front of Cecil as Kain approaches Golbez.

Golbez: Silence!

NARRATOR: Golbez lifts his arm, and a bolt of green, pulsing lighting leaps from his fingers. Every surface of the chamber flashes green with the reflected glow. The bolt knocks Edward and Yang back. They fly through the air and lay prone on the floor. Golbez addresses Kain.

Golbez: Get the Crystal.

Kain: Yes, sire.

NARRATOR: Kain hurries to do his dark master’s bidding. Rosa rushes between Kain and Golbez.

Rosa: Kain, please! Help Cecil!

NARRATOR: Cecil reaches out towards Rosa.

Cecil: Rosa, no!

Golbez: So , you cherish this woman? Then I shall take her with me to raise the stakes. Until next time.

NARRATOR: Golbez envelops Rosa with his voluminous black cloak and drags her from the room. Kain climbs the stairs to the dias housing the Wind Crystal, takes it from its place, then approaches Cecil and looks down at his old friend, lying broken on the floor.

Kain: You won’t be so lucky next time.

NARRATOR: Kain leaves the chamber.

MUSIC CUE: FADE OUT “Golbez, Clad in Dark”

Cecil: Rosa…

NARRATOR: Rydia rushes to the door and looks after Golbez and Kain. She looks down at her feet.

Cecil: …

NARRATOR: Rydia looks around at her fallen companions and hurries to stand in the center of the chamber. She raises her arms.

Rydia: Cure!


NARRATOR: Their wounds healed, Cecil, Edward, and Yang stand up. Yang, Edward, and Rydia hurry to Cecil’s side.

MUSIC CUE: Start “Cry in Sorrow”

Rydia: Are you okay?

Edward: Thanks, Rydia.

NARRATOR: Yang looks at the empty dias.

Yang: The Crystal is gone…I failed.

NARRATOR: Cecil does not look up from the floor.

Cecil: Rosa…

NARRATOR: All four stand for a moment, defeated and miserable-looking. Rydia looks at the three men before her, and hurries around them to stand in front of Cecil. When he doesn’t acknowledge her presence, she stamps her foot. [RPG Rabbit: Her sprite bobs up and down. I interpret this as foot-stamping.]

Rydia: Come on! We have to go help Rosa!

NARRATOR: Edward looks up first.

Edward: She’s right. This is no time to get depressed. [Calvin Redburn: Edward, you putz, this is all your fault.] We must rescue Rosa and retake the Crystals.

NARRATOR: Yang turns to regard Cecil.

Yang: Cecil. It is our turn to assist you. For now, let us heal our wounds.

Cecil: Thank you.

NARRATOR: The party leaves the empty Crystal Chamber.

MUSIC CUE: FADE OUT “Cry in Sorrow”



NARRATOR: In the throne room, the king’s blue-robed attendant stands near the throne.

Chancellor: The king rests in his quarters. He suffered injuries during the attack.

NARRATOR: Cecil and the others leave the throne room. [Calvin Redburn: But what about the secret treasure chests hidden in the corner?] Two monks stand guard outside the door.

Monk: Please leave the security to us and get some rest at the inn.

NARRATOR: The party heads down the stairs to the first floor and takes a room to rest at the Inn, taking this chance to heal their wounds and their hearts after the long battle. The Innkeeper calls out to Yang as they enter.

Innkeeper: Master Yang, please let me know if you need anything.

NARRATOR: Before retiring to their beds, Cecil, Edward, Rydia, and Yang discuss their course of action. Edward turns to Cecil.

Edward: So, how will we go about the rescue?

Cecil: To fight Golbez, we need an airship. But Baron is the only kingdom that has them.

NARRATOR: Yang addresses Cecil [Calvin Redburn: Query: Do we need the narrator to let us know that Yang is addressing Cecil? How does he do this in the game? Does he specifically face Cecil? I think this part speaks for itself.] [RPG Rabbit: I was trying to let everyone know that Yang is talking now.] [Calvin Redburn: But, I know my range is limited but it’s pretty obvious when Yang speaks. I even have nuance with him. Nuance!]

Yang: Then we must sneak into Baron and seize one.

NARRATOR: Cecil considers. [Calvin Redburn: What’s this about?] [RPG Rabbit: I am pretty sure he looks down at his feet again.]

Cecil: Baron’s main force is the Red Wings; its sea power is relatively weak. We might be able to slip in by sea.

NARRATOR: Yang nods.

Yang: I will ask the king for a ship tomorrow morning. If all goes well, we could leave port before noon.

Cecil: Thank you, Yang.


NARRATOR: Yang turns back to Cecil.

Yang: Who was that dragoon?

NARRATOR: Cecil looks at his feet.

Cecil: His name is Kain. He used to be my best friend. I don’t know what happened to him…

Yang: Perhaps you will have your answer in Baron.

NARRATOR: The party rests. The next morning, they make their way directly to the king’s bedchamber. The king is too injured to rise, so he speaks to them from his bed, turning on his side to look at Yang.

King: I see. I will arrange for a ship right away. Yang, accompany Cecil and help him with the rescue. Cecil, take this sword. It belonged to a dark knight who came to Fabul many years ago. The sword exudes tremendous force, but it is still a weapon of darkness. Darkness can never prevail over true evil.

SOUND EFFECT: “Blee-bloop!” [RPG Rabbit: Rip.] [Calvin Redburn: This is just the “received item” sound. We used it before when….hmmm…well, I have it already, anyway.] [RPG Rabbit: Cool! You’re ahead of the game!]

NARRATOR: Cecil receives the sword Death from the King. The king turns back to Yang.

King: Go to the harbor to the east as soon as you are prepared. A ship shall await you there.

Golbez must be stopped. If he acquires all the Crystals, the world will suffer an unprecedented crisis.

NARRATOR: Done speaking When he is finished speaking, the King rolls over and returns to his rest. Cecil checks with the royal attendant to make sure that the king’s condition is stable.

Old woman: The king used to be a famous monk. He’ll be fine.

NARRATOR: Cecil and the others head down a flight of stairs to the tavern. The patrons seem relieved that they have survived.

Boy: Atchaa! I can’t wait to start training.

Barkeep: That was one hell of an attack.

Woman: Good thing our homes are within these walls, or else we could’ve lost everything in all that bombing.

NARRATOR: Leaving the East Tower, the party heads to the West Tower to check on Yang’s wife. The second floor infirmary is filled with injured monks. A single white mage does her best to tend to their wounds on her own.

White Mage: If only my magic were as powerful as Lady Rosa’s…

NARRATOR: The monks despair of Baron’s power.

Monk: How is Baron controlling all those monsters?

Monk: Golbez will pay for this!

NARRATOR: On the third floor, Yang’s wife tends the stove as if nothing has happened. She turns when Yang approaches.

Yang’s Wife: Oh, hon. Y’alright?

Yang: I am fine, thanks to their help.

Yang’s Wife: Y’all’re like Yang’s guardian angels.

Yang: You are alright?

Yang’s Wife: Yeah, and I betcha those Baron bozos ain’t never comin’ back; ’cause I gave ’em one helluva beatin’ with my fryin’ pan.

NARRATOR: Satisfied of his wife’s wellbeing, Yang and the others make their way to Fabul harbor to take possession of the ship promised to them by the King of Fabul. On their way out of the castle, two monks warn the party of the perils of the sea.

Monk: Many vessels have been shipwrecked lately, but the cause has yet to be determined.

Monk: The sailors have been spreading rather strange rumors…Something about a sea god being angry.

Monk: We will guard Fabul with our lives.

NARRATOR: The harbor lies to the north east of the castle, a short walk from the gates.


A two-masted sailing ship is docked at the harbor. Two gangplanks extend from the wooden deck to the stone blocks of the harbor walls. Yang’s wife is waiting at the docks to bid farewell to her husband.

Yang’s Wife: Break a leg, hon, and bring back some gifts for a change!

NARRATOR: She turns to Cecil.

Yang’s Wife: Keep your chin up, Cecil! You’ll get her back in no time!

Cecil: Thank you.

NARRATOR: Cecil, Yang, Rydia, and Edward mount one of the gangplanks and make to board the ship, but halfway across, Yang turns back to his wife, bringing the group to a halt.

Yang: I trust you will look after everything.

Yang’s Wife: You bet. Take care. Love ya.

NARRATOR: Their final farewells spoken, Cecil and the others board the ship. On the deck, several sailors go about the business of preparing for departure. Cecil approaches the captain, a bearded blonde man dressed in a red coat and cap. The captain nods to Cecil.

Cap’n: Cecil, I reckon. I heard you beat the hell out of those Baron lovelies. Sit back, mate, and enjoy the ride. [Calvin Redburn: So, uh, is this Cid? Since the music is called “Hey, Cid!”…/] [RPG Rabbit: Nope. This is not Cid.]

NARRATOR: Cecil and the others find a place on deck where they will not be in way of the sailors. The captain stands beside the mainmast, casting his gaze around his crew to ensure that everything is shipshape. Satisfied, he calls out to the helmsman. [Calvin Redburn: Shipshape. Cute.]

Cap’n: Anchors aweigh!

Crew: Aye-aye, Cap’n!

NARRATOR: The crew leaps into action.

MUSIC CUE: STOP “Hey, Cid!” SOUND EFFECT: “Crash crash foghorn!” [RPG Rabbit: I guess it’s supposed to be a foghorn? You’ll have to rip this weird noise.]

The ship sets sail.



The wind is with them, and the ship makes excellent time, the prow of cutting through the waves a terrific rate. The captain guides the ship to the north and the east, then brings her around south around a large spur of land. Cecil and the others are at leisure to converse.

SOUND EFFECT: “Waves splashing” [RPG Rabbit: This continues throughout the following exchange under the Main Theme.]

Cecil stands at the prow of the ship, looking out over the sea. Yang gets his attention.

Yang: What will you do once we arrive at Baron?

NARRATOR: Edward, standing by the portside railing, comes closer to hear Cecil’s response.

Cecil: I have to see Cid; he’s Baron’s chief airship engineer. I’m certain he will help us.

NARRATOR: Edward heaves a sigh.

Edward: …

NARRATOR: Rydia goes to him.

Rydia: Why are you shaking? Are you cold?

Edward: No. I’m fine.

NARRATOR: As the ship sails due west towards Baron, it begins to shake violently!

MUSIC CUE: STOP “Main Theme” SOUND CUE: “Really annoying shaking noise” [RPG Rabbit: Oh my god, listening to this on a loop as I type is AWFUL.]

Cecil looks around in alarm.

Cecil: What’s going on!?

NARRATOR: Suddenly, a great whirlpool swirls in front of the ship. A hideously large, blue tentacle emerges from the center of the gyrating waters. The sailors shout in fear.

Sailor: Shiver me timbers!

NARRATOR: The sailors rush to the prow of the ship.

Sailor: Holy mackerel!

Sailor: The lord of the sea!

NARRATOR: The sailor serving as the lookout backs away from the railing.

Sailor: Is that really..?

NARRATOR: The Captain comes forward to look.

MUSIC CUE: START: “Ring of Bomb” [RPG Rabbit: Horrible shaking noise continues under.]

Cap’n: Leviatan!

NARRATOR: Out of the maelstrom’s center emerges a great dragon three times the size of their vessel! It is Leviatan, [RPG Rabbit: In the US version (and, evidently, the Chronicles version), Leviathan is called Leviatan. All subsequent localization use Leviathan.] Lord of the Sea! What looked like an enormous tentacle is in fact the dragon’s massive tail, whipping the waters behind the monster into a frenzy. On the deck of the ship, the sailors run in panicked circles. The captain leaps into the air in his terror.

Cap’n: Change course!

NARRATOR: The ship shakes violently as the whirlpool intensifies, and Rydia falls over the starboard railing into the roiling sea!


Rydia: AAAH!

NARRATOR: Yang races to the railing, shouting in horror.

Yang: Rydia!

NARRATOR: Cecil follows close on his heels. Yang dives into the ocean after Rydia! Cecil leaps towards him.

Cecil: Rydia!! Yang!!

NARRATOR: The ship shudders violently once again.

SOUND EFFECT: “Extra shaking” [RPG Rabbit: Not sure what this noise is, so I guess you get to rip it.]

Edward is thrown into the air and comes crashing down onto the planks of the deck.

Edward: Uwaah! [RPG Rabbit: Edward, you suck at everything.]

Cecil: Edward!

NARRATOR: Cecil leaves the railing and rushes to the bard’s side, but just as he reaches him, the ship begins to spin in sickening circles, caught in the whirlpool’s strong current. Spiraling off course and out of control, the ship is sucked down into the depths of the sea.

MUSIC CUE: FADE OUT “Ring of Bomb” [RPG Rabbit: The shaking noise continues for a little longer, but it’s really annoying, so I think we should fade that at the same time.]



NARRATOR: When Cecil returns to his senses, he finds himself sprawled alone on a vast expanse of empty beach.

Cecil: … … Oh…

NARRATOR: His vision blurs as his drags himself to his feet. He steadies himself and looks around.

Cecil: Where am I…?

NARRATOR: He walks a few slow steps, then stares wildly about.

Cecil: Rydia!

NARRATOR: He moves slowly across the sand, calling out to his absent friends.

Cecil: Edward! Yang!

NARRATOR: The constant sound of the sea is his only answer. Cecil bows his head.

Cecil: What happened to them…?

MUSIC CUE: START “Cry in Sorrow”

NARRATOR: Cecil explores his surroundings. Leaving the beach, he finds he has washed ashore on a narrow peninsula of unfamiliar land. To the east lies a small village. With nowhere else to go, Cecil enters the little town.

MUSIC CUE: FADE OUT “Cry in Sorrow” FADE IN “Mystic Mysidia” [RPG Rabbit: A town theme that is clearly inferior to that perennial masterpiece “Welcome to Our Town”.]

Cecil finds himself in the village of Mysidia, the very town that the Red Wings invaded under his command. [RPG Rabbit: I don’t know if this is necessary, but the audience members who are not die-hard FF nerds might not remember this weird name out of all the other weird names.] Built of pale stone and surrounded by green meadows and trees, the town’s picturesque atmosphere contrasts sharply with its recent tragedies. Cecil approaches a black mage in front of the town’s Inn, but the response is less than welcoming.

Black Mage: Murderer! Take this! Toad!


NARRATOR: There is a flash of colored light. Cecil finds that he has been transformed from an armored knight into a small grey toad. He hops in a frantic circle to see if the spell will wear off, but to no avail. He is still a toad. He hops into the nearby Inn. The front room of the Inn serves as Mysidia’s pub. A poster on the wall proclaims, “Baron shall burn in hell!” Cecil croaks at a black mage sitting at the bar.

Black Mage: Please, don’t kill me! I have five kids to feed!

NARRATOR: Another black mage harranges him from his seat at a table.

Black Mage: Piss off! <Hiccup> I ain’t afraid of ya!

NARRATOR: The white mage sitting next to him is just as acerbic.

White Mage: You monster! Release our people!

NARRATOR: Cecil hops up onto a barstool and calls the bartender over.

Black Mage Barkeep: My, you look exhausted. Here, drink this.

NARRATOR: The bartender, another black mage, hands him a drink.

SOUND EFFECT: “Vwaaaaaum” [RPG Rabbit: It makes a weird noise. You’ll have to rip it.]

Cecil’s vision blurs and flashes a sickly shade of green.

Cecil: Ugh!

Black Mage Barkeep: Hee hee! Die, you stupid knight!

NARRATOR: Cecil staggers as he hops down from the barstool. He has been poisoned! He rummages in his pack for his last antidote. Next the antidote, he finds a Maiden’s Kiss, and transforms himself from a toad back into his human form. Once his head stops swimming, he takes a seat on a barstool next to a pretty, blue-haired dancer in the corner.

Dancer: Hey! Watch this!

MUSIC CUE: STOP “Mystic Mysidia” START “Dancing Calbrena”

NARRATOR: The dancer jumps up onto the bar and begins a dance of slow, mesmerising pirouettes. She leaps from the bar to the floor and spins towards Cecil. The world goes pink around the edges as the dancer gyrates in front of Cecil.

Cecil: I’m getting sleepy.

NARRATOR: His eyes blink heavily, the world around him blurs, then all goes dark.

MUSIC CUE: FADE OUT “Dancing Calbrena”

Cecil awakens in the grass behind the Inn. An old woman stands over him, cackling triumphantly.

Old woman: <Ptui-ptui!> Curse you and all of Baron!

MUSIC CUE: START “Mystic Mysidia”

NARRATOR: Cecil realizes to his horror that he has been transformed into a fat pink pig. [Calvin Redburn: Since you have to be in a state of not-toad in order to be turned into a pig, should we go through the trouble of having Cecil talk to the dude again and get turned back into a man? I don’t think it flows well…but it would be LYING to have him turn from a toad to a pig.] [RPG Rabbit: If you go back a page, you will see that when Cecil used an antidote, he ALSO used a maiden’s kiss.] [RPG Rabbit: I COVER MY BASES.] The Old Woman runs off and Cecil gets to his feet…or rather his hooves. He trots up to a black mage standing guard in front of a nondescript building behind the Inn.

Black Mage: The Devil’s Road, which leads all the way to Baron, is inside this building. We sealed the road after Baron attacked us.

NARRATOR: Cecil crosses the central square to the western side of the village. A white mage stands at the edge of the village reservoir, contemplating the clear water. When Cecil approaches her, she backs away.

White Mage: Blankety-blank! [RPG Rabbit: Should we bleep this out…?] [Calvin Redburn: Yeah, that’s cute. We could use the “error” sound from the game.] You’re back! Go away!

NARRATOR: She leaps into the air in her distress, turns around, and runs away from Cecil. She hides in a tree and refuses to come down. Cecil leaves her be and returns to the center of town. Ascending a short flight of stairs, he moves through a walled courtyard and passes under a small archway in the high stone wall that divides the village in two. The upper level of the town is dominated by a single imposing building, the House of Prayer. Within the tall white walls lies the empty Crystal Chamber that Cecil and his men pillaged in Baron’s name. Before entering, Cecil approaches a white mage walking near the building.

White Mage: The Devil’s Road has warped dimensions. Supposedly, one must sacrifice much vitality to cross it.

Black Mage: I have nothing to say to the likes of you.

White Mage: Why do people kill each other…?

White Mage: Hi. I was just wondering if you knew how much we’ve suffered because of you. Good day.

Black Mage: You have the gall to come here!?

NARRATOR: Cecil mounts a second set of stairs and enters the building. Inside, Cecil’s little pig hooves are muffled by a carpet richly patterned in geometric designs picked out in white and rose. A bearded old man in a black robe stands in front of the staircase leading to the Crystal room. He is flanked on his left by a white mage and on his right by a black mage. Cecil approaches him.

Black Mage: We are all born innocent, yet many evil souls pervade the land today.

Black Mage: The elder said we should forgive and forget your terrible acts…but I cannot.

White Mage: You are in the House of Prayer. You may talk to the elder, if you wish.

MUSIC CUE: FADE OUT “Mystic Mysidia” FADE IN “Long Way to Go”

Elder: Knight of Baron…What do you want this time? [Calvin Redburn: Old man talk, pitch +8%]

Cecil: My name is Cecil. …I can’t begin to ask you to forgive me for what I’ve done.

Elder: Apologies will not bring the dead back to life.

Cecil: …

Elder: So…you have mourned and suffered as we have… You are not the mindless killer you once were. What brings you here?

Cecil: A sorcerer named Golbez now commands Baron’s forces, and took my friend captive. While en route to Baron to rescue her, my companions and I were attacked by Leviatan. I was shipwrecked here, and I don’t know what’s become of the others.

Elder: I sense your trials are just beginning. But while you depend upon the dark sword, you cannot overcome true evil. Moreover, you might be consumed by its darkness someday. If you wish to fight evil with righteousness, go to Mt. Ordeals, which lies to the east of Mysidia.

Cecil: But my comrades…

Elder: There is a time for everything. First, you must climb Mt. Ordeals and renounce this evil sword for a holy sword. Only then can you receive light and become a holy knight– a paladin. Many have ventured to Ordeals to become a paladin, but none have ever returned. Will you risk your life as well and go to Ordeals?

Cecil: Yes.

Elder: You face heavy odds by going alone. I will assign two mages to accompany you. Palom! Porom!


NARRATOR: A small, sandy-haired girl in an orange robe and a green cape enters. She comes to stand on Cecil’s right. [RPG Rabbit: Who is, by the way, still a pig. Should we keep acknowledging that he is a pig? I don’t have a “no pig” item. But I really feel that the fact that he is a pig is detracting from the drama of this scene, especially as NO ONE ELSE is commenting on the fact that he is a pig.]

Porom: [RPG Rabbit:She also needs to be pitched up. She’s younger than Rydia, just bossier and more annoying.] You called for us?

Elder: Where is Palom?

Porom: Palom! Come out this minute!

SOUND EFFECT: “Rumble rumble” MUSIC CUE: START “Porom and Palom”

NARRATOR: A puff of smoke appears on Cecil’s right. With a rumble of thunder, the smoke clears to reveal a small sandy-haired boy in a green robe and an orange cape. He is almost indistinguishable from the girl on Cecil’s right. The boy leaps into the air with a flourish and looks Cecil up and down.

Palom [RPG Rabbit: 20% pitch up.]: Man, I can’t believe I’m helping this bastard. Be grateful that Mysidia’s prodigy Palom will accompany you!

NARRATOR: Cecil looks back and forth between the two children. [RPG Rabbit: I looked it up; these little buggers are FIVE years old.]

Cecil: …These are the mages you spoke of?

NARRATOR: The Elder nods.

Elder: Yes, Porom and her twin brother, Palom. They are still students, but I am certain they will be of great help.

NARRATOR: Palom nods his head at Cecil.

Palom: That’ll be a thousand Gil per hour for my services, starting now.

Elder: Palom! Consider this a part of your training.

NARRATOR: Porom moves to stand in front of Cecil. She bows.

Porom: My name is Porom. I’m pleased to meet you, sir.

NARRATOR: Porom sidesteps to stand before her brother.

Porom: Palom! You must greet him!

NARRATOR: Palom pushes his sister out of the way and strikes a cheeky pose in front of Cecil.

Palom: S’up, dude.

MUSIC CUE: STOP “Porom and Palom” START “Party Join Fanfare”

NARRATOR: Black Mage Palom and White Mage Porom join the party. The Elder nods at Cecil.

Elder: Now go to Mt. Ordeals. Palom, Porom, do everything in your power to help Cecil.

MUSIC CUE: START “Mystic Mysidia”

Black Mage: I will trust you if you can become a paladin.

White Mage: You must give your all to receive the holy light.

Black Mage: A paladin is the antithesis of a dark knight.

NARRATOR: Porom, Palom, and the pig Cecil leave the House of Prayer.

White Mage: Mt. Ordeals lies to the east.

Black Mage: Whether anyone can receive the holy light to become a paladin remains to be seen.

Black Mage: With a dark sword, you don’t stand a chance against the undead swarming Mt. Ordeals.

White Mage: Blankety-blank! You wanna become a paladin? No way.

White Mage: You must overcome the trials of Ordeals and renounce your dark knighthood.

Black Mage: You, become a paladin!? Ha!

NARRATOR: The party stops by the Weapons shop. Cecil purchases a Flame Rod for Palom and a Cure staff for Porom. In the Armor shop, Cecil also acquires some stronger armor for the twins, but he cannot purchase anything for himself; the mages of Mysidia sell nothing for those who wield the power of darkness.

Black Mage: Tough luck. You can’t use most of the weapons here unless you are a paladin.

NARRATOR: After gearing up for their journey to Mount Ordeals, Cecil, Porom, and Palom stop by the pub. A white mage and a black mage heckle him from a table.

Black Mage: You, a paladin!? BWAHAHA! <Hiccup!>

White Mage: Don’t trust him, Porom. He’s nothing but a cold-blooded killer.

Black Mage: Please, don’t kill me! I have six kids to– What, you’re going to Mt. Ordeals?

NARRATOR: The bartender also seems skeptical of Cecil’s quest.

Black Mage Barkeep: You, a paladin? Hmph. Not a chance.

NARRATOR: The party heads upstairs to rest at the Inn before setting out.

White Mage Innkeeper: It’s 200 gil per night. Will you be staying?

Cecil: Yes.

MUSIC CUE: STOP: “Mystic Mysidia” START “Sleepytime” START “Mystic Mysidia”

NARRATOR: When Cecil awakens the next morning, he discovers that the curse that trapped him in the form of a pig has dissolved, leaving him as his human self.

Cecil: All set!

NARRATOR: Well-rested and well-equipped, Cecil, Porom, and Palom leave Mysidia.


MUSIC CUE: FADE OUT “Mystic Mysidia” FADE IN “Main Theme”

NARRATOR: Mount Ordeals lies to the east. The party is almost immediately beset by an enormous Zuu. Its immense, leathery wings hold it aloft as it threatens the party with its toothy beak. Cecil attacks the creature with his sword. Palom assumes a cheeky pose, bluffing the monster with an assumed nonchalance, raising the power of his magic. Porom immediately begins to cry loudly, which flusters the enemy. Cecil attacks again, and the twins begin to chant in unison, their fingers tracing identical arcane patterns. After a moment, they step forward together and unleash a devastating flaming attack on the Zuu. It is vaporized instantly in a cloud of fire. The party follows a twisting peninsula of land to the east and then to the north. Cecil and the others pass through a vast forest, then turn east again. There, surrounded on all sides by a dense ring of trees, looms Mount Ordeals. Cecil, Porom, and Palom enter the pass into the mountains.

MUSIC CUE: FADE OUT “Main Theme” FADE IN “Mt. Ordeals”

The entrance to the pass is flanked on both sides by a row of squat standing stones. Cecil and the others pass between them and follow the path up a hill. Ahead, the path is blocked by leaping flames.

MUSIC CUE: STOP “Mt. Ordeals” SOUND EFFECT: “Flame on”

Porom approaches the flames, examines them, then turns to her brother.

Porom: Well, what are you waiting for?

NARRATOR: Palom brushes his sister aside.

Palom: Yeah, yeah, keep your hair on.

NARRATOR: The young mage faces the flames.

Palom: Ice!

SOUND EFFECT: “Ice Ice Baby”

NARRATOR: The world around them glows a cool blue, and then a swirl of frost leaps from Palom’s fingers to whirl around the flames, extinguishing them.

MUSIC CUE: START “Porom and Palom”

Palom leaps into the air in triumph and strikes his usual pose.

Palom: Too easy.

NARRATOR: Porom comes around to stand in front of her brother and bops him on the head.


Porom: Palom! The elder taught us not to submit to arrogance!

NARRATOR: Her brother suitably chastised, she hurries to Cecil.

Porom: Please forgive him for his antics.

NARRATOR: Cecil nods, and the party prepares to ascend the mountain.


MUSIC CUE: FADE OUT “Porom and Palom” FADE IN “Somewhere in the World”

NARRATOR: Meanwhile… Elsewhere in the world, in a chamber pulsing with blinking lights and arcane circuitry, Golbez paces. Bound tightly against the wall slumps Rosa, unconscious. Kain stands guard beside her. Golbez raises his arm imperiously.

Golbez: Milon, come forth!

SOUND EFFECT: “Vweeeeem”

NARRATOR: There is a flash of sickly purple light. A figure cloaked in red blinks into being before Golbez.

Milon: Milon of Earth, at your command. [RPG Rabbit: So in the original Japanese and in most later localizations, this dude is called Scarmiglione. However, he’s called Milon in both the US SNES release and the Chronicles. My best guess is that since it’s a derivative of Scarmiglione, that it’s pronounced “Mil-own.”] [Calvin Redburn: Okay, I think it would be effective to use the same sound-altering technique for all four of these dudes. If I do two voices, and you do two voices, each one different, and we — okay, so, it’s a 25% pitch down, with the same reverb setting as Golbez.]

Golbez: Cecil aspires to too much. He ascends Mt. Ordeals as we speak. I shall clip his wings now.

Milon: So he desires to become a paladin…

Golbez: Dispose of him beforehand. His dark sword should be all but useless against your undead.

Milon: I shall return with his head shortly.

SOUND EFFECT: “Vweeeeem”

NARRATOR: The chamber again fills with a purple glow, and the cloaked figure disappears. Golbez turns away and nods his head.

Golbez: This should be interesting.

NARRATOR: Kain comes forward.

Kain: Cecil might still prove quite a formidable opponent.

NARRATOR: Golbez turns his back on the dragoon.

Golbez: You dare question my judgment?

Kain: No, sire!

Golbez: Milon is one of the Four Fiends of Elements. He will not fail. Rosa will bear witness as well.

NARRATOR: Kain takes another step towards Golbez.

Kain: Sire, please grant me a second chance! Allow me the task of slaying him instead of Milon!

NARRATOR: Golbez turns to regard Kain.

Golbez: Just be grateful I let you live after that blunder.

NARRATOR: Kain backs away and bows his head.

Kain: …

NARRATOR: Rosa stirs, shaking her head fitfully.

Rosa: Cecil…

EPISODE 003 SCENE 007 [RPG Rabbit: Oooor maybe we could end the episode here?]

NARRATOR: Back on Mount Ordeals…

MUSIC CUE: STOP “Somewhere in the World” START “Mt. Ordeals”

NARRATOR: The way up Mount Ordeals is fraught with peril. Though the magic of the twins Porom and Palom is powerful, they are only children, and their physical strength is much less than that of Cecil. After only a few steps, the party encounters two Red Bones, armored skeletons animated by some fell magic, and a Lilith, an enormous and sensual snake woman with pale green hair. As the skeletons attack Cecil, the Lilith whips at Palom with her tail, instantly dealing enough damage to knock him to the ground, unconscious. Cecil struggles to fend off the attacks of the monsters as Porom hastens to restore her brother to life. Cecil’s Dark attack is all but useless against these evil creatures, and so he must pick them off one by one with only the brute strength of his blade. It is all Porom can do to keep her comrades alive, and soon, she too falls to the relentless attacks. Cecil is the last to hold out, but he is quickly overwhelmed. Annihilated, the party returns to consciousness at the foot of Mount Ordeals, determined to try again. And again, the party is annihilated after a few battles. [RPG Rabbit: Goddamnit, I forgot how bloody useless the twins are when you first get them. Grinding with them prior to Mount Ordeals is practically a requirement.] Frustrated, Cecil spends some time helping the twins train their strength, hoping that this will allow them to better surmount the challenges ahead. As precocious as the children are, their endurance is limited, and they are able to cast only so many spells before becoming too tired to continue. After slaying many of the countless Zuus that flap around the base of Mount Ordeals, Porom and Palom feel much more able to bear the rigors of battle. They also learn much more powerful cure and fire spells, magics that will serve them well on the slopes of Mount Ordeals, which teem with scores of undead creatures weak to such spells. Once Cecil feels that the twins are ready, the party resumes their journey to the summit of Mount Ordeals. Though Cecil and the children are again beset on all sides by fearsome hordes of undead, the monsters cannot withstand Palom’s strengthened fire magic. The twisting path up the mountain is broken up by flights of stone stairs that aid in the traversal of the steepest parts. After climbing three such sets of stairs, Cecil and the others enter a tunnel that cuts through the face of the mountain. On the other side, the party emerges on top of a steep cliff from which affords a wide view of the forest that surrounds Mount Ordeals, the trees made tiny by the distance. Cecil, Porom, and Palom surmount a longer flight of stairs and climb a steep slope to the top of a tall cliff, where another tunnel extends deeper into the mountain’s heart. As the party reaches the crest of the slope, a familiar figure emerges from the mouth of a tunnel. It is the Sage Tellah, with his glinting spectacles and his shock of white hair. He doesn’t notice Cecil immediately, crossing to the edge of the cliff to gaze out at the forest below. Cecil calls out to him.

Cecil: Tellah!

NARRATOR: Tellah turns to face him and takes a slow step towards the party.

Tellah: Cecil!

NARRATOR: Cecil, Porom, and Palom gather around Tellah.

Tellah: What brings you here? Wait, you seek Meteo as well?

NARRATOR: Porom reacts in alarm.

Porom: Meteo!?

NARRATOR: Palom speaks up.

Palom: Hey! You’re Tellah, right?

NARRATOR: Palom scurries right up to Tellah and stares at him. His sister is flabbergasted.

Porom: Palom, behave yourself! You stand before the Great Sage!

NARRATOR: Porom comes forward and bows to the sage.

Porom: It is an honor to meet you, sir. We came here from Mysidia under the orders of our elder.

Palom: Yeah, we’re spying–

NARRATOR: Porom strides behind Tellah to her brother and smacks him on the back of the head.


Palom jumps. His sister then returns to her place on the mage’s left, nodding primly.

Porom: Excuse me. As I was saying, we’re just serving as guides for Sir Cecil. My name is Porom, and that’s–

Palom: Palom, Mysidia’s most exalted mage! I’ve heard a lot about you even in my neck of the woods.

NARRATOR: Tellah looks back and forth between the twins, then faces Cecil.

Tellah: What noisy brats… [RPG Rabbit: AMEN brother.] Cecil, where are Rydia and Edward?

NARRATOR: Cecil looks down.

Cecil: We were attacked by Leviatan on our way to Baron, and…

Tellah: What!? Are they dead?

Cecil: …I’m afraid so. And Rosa was captured by Golbez.

NARRATOR: Tellah looks at the ground. Palom sidles behind Tellah to get close to his sister.

Palom: I’ll bet that’s his girlfriend.

NARRATOR: Porom turns to glare at him.

Porom: Hush!

NARRATOR: Cecil and Tellah continue their conversation without acknowledging the antics of the twins.

Cecil: I thought you’d headed straight to Baron to confront Golbez.

NARRATOR: Tellah looks back up at Cecil. Porom and Palom turn to regard the sage.

Tellah: Against the likes of Golbez, my spells still lack power. So I’ve traveled here to seek the legendary spell, Meteo. I sense a strong aura on this mountain. I believe it holds some secret.

Porom: But that spell is much too dangerous! It requires tremendous vitality, and for a man of your age… Forgive me.

Tellah: I admit, I am old. But I will make Golbez pay, even if it costs my life!

NARRATOR: After a moment, Palom leaps in the air and turns his back on Cecil and Tellah.

Palom: Geez. Why are adults so pigheaded?

NARRATOR: Porom turns to her brother.

Porom: You don’t understand because you’re still a kid! Now hush!

Tellah: Cecil, you have yet to answer me. Why did you come here?

Cecil: I came here in hopes of becoming a paladin. I cannot defeat Golbez with the dark sword…and I have longed to renounce this hateful thing.

NARRATOR: Palom swings around.

Palom: Who’s Golbez?

Porom: Don’t you know anything? He’s the man controlling Baron.

NARRATOR: Tellah turns to her.

Tellah: Not just an ordinary man, but a powerful sorcerer, brimming with evil!

NARRATOR: Porom turns to look at the sage, but Tellah has already returned his attention to Cecil.

Tellah: So, you’ve come here to become a paladin? Then, this mountain must hold some secret, just as I suspected. I shall accompany you.

MUSIC CUE: STOP “Mt. Ordeals” START “Party join fanfare”

NARRATOR: Sage Tellah joins the party. The four continue onward. On the other side of the tunnel, the party must keep climbing, ever approaching the mountain’s summit. Tellah does not know as many spells as do the twins, but he has the advantage of being able to cast both white and black magic. In a battle against revenants and ghouls, Tellah heals and casts fire by turn, keeping the party at full health while helping Palom burn the undead creatures. At the top of the cliffs, Cecil and the others cross a small bridge over a narrow gap in the rocks. They enter one final tunnel and emerge at last on the summit of Mount Ordeals. As Cecil steps forward, a strange sound fills the air.

Milon: Bshrrr… [RPG Rabbit: I guess you get to make some weirdass noises here.] [RPG Rabbit: In the later DS translation, this noise is written as “*hiss*”. If that helps.]

Porom: Palom, stop that!

Palom: What!? I didn’t do anything!

NARRATOR: Cecil and the others move onwards. At the base of a long flight of stone stairs, they hear the mysterious sound once again.

Milon: Bshrrr…

Porom: Palom!

Palom: It wasn’t me!

NARRATOR: The party climbs the stairs and arrives at a high promontory overlooking the forest that stretches away on all sides into the distance. Beyond the trees soar high green mountains, and further still, snow-capped peaks that seem to touch the clouded sky. The path continues over a precarious wooden bridge spans the distance between two high crags of Mount Ordeals. As Cecil, Tellah, and the twins step foot onto its slats, the mysterious sound once again reverberates around them, growing in volume and intensity.

MUSIC CUE: STOP “Mount Ordeals”

Milon: BSHRRR…

Tellah: I sense evil nearby. [RPG Rabbit: Yeah, no shit, Tellah.]

Milon: I will enjoy killing you all.

NARRATOR: Cecil looks around.

Cecil: Who’s there!? Show yourself!

SOUND EFFECT: “Vwaaaaaam” MUSIC CUE: START “Tower of Zot”

NARRATOR: The stones, the sky, and the very air around them glows with sickly purple light, and a cloaked figure appears before Cecil on the narrow bridge, blocking the way forward.

Milon: Under Master Golbez’s orders, I, Milon of Earth, will deliver you to the gates of hell. But first–my undead hunger for your flesh!

SOUND EFFECT: “Battle Start!” MUSIC CUE: “Fight 2”

NARRATOR: The party is attacked! A horde of ragged ghasts materializes in front of Milon, menacing the party with their clawed fingers. Milon, his figure hidden in a tattered cloak, hangs back. Cecil, knowing that his dark blade will do little against the undead, bypasses the ghasts entirely and slashes at Milon, who does not seem resistant to the sword’s edge. Porom uses her white magic to summon invisible armor around her brother, protecting him from the attacks of the monsters so that he can better incinerate them with the fires of his black magic. Tella calls forth fire to burn one of the ghasts, singeing it slightly. Milon orders his ghasts forward.

Milon: Tear them apart!

NARRATOR: The ghasts, possessed of some fell power of their own, drain the life force from Cecil, Porom, and Tellah, and add it to their own, healing some of the damage wrought by Tellah’s flames. This matters not, for in the next instance, the ghasts are burned away to nothingness by the strength of Palom’s mighty fire magic. Milon is left to face the party alone. Milon attacks Porom and Cecil with bolts of lightning, but Porom is easily able to mend the damage with her healing powers. Though Milon cannot seem to do much real damage to Cecil and his friends,since Porom’s healing easily keeps up with the rate of his attacks, his endurance means that he is able to withstand repeated assault from Cecil’s sword and the fires of Tellah and Palom. Finally, at a blow from Cecil’s sword, Milon staggers.

Milon: What’s happening to me!!?

NARRATOR: Milon is defeated.

MUSIC CUE: STOP “Fight 2” PLAY “Victory Fanfare” START “Mt. Ordeals”

The way forward clear at last, Cecil and the others cross the bridge before them. The sheer cliff on the other side is crowned with a circle of five squat standing stones. A larger stone stands in the center. Faint glyphs are carved into its surface. As Cecil steps off the bridge, the world around him glows ominously purple once again.


Milon: Bshrr…Fools. My true strength lies in death. Join me in hell!

NARRATOR: Milon appears on the bridge and attacks them from behind!

SOUND EFFECT: “Battle start!” MUSIC CUE: “The Dreadful Fight” [RPG Rabbit: SUCH GREAT BATTLE MUSIC. Thanks, Uematsu!]

NARRATOR: Milon sheds his cloak to reveal himself to be, in truth, a hulking and deformed undead creature with bulging muscles and wriggling tentacles growing from the rotting skin of his back. His skeletal face is set with glowing eyes and framed with hanks of decaying hair.

Milon Z.: This is my true form. Die!

NARRATOR: An attack from behind leaves the mages vulnerable, and Milon immediately lashes out with a tentacle, robbing Palom of half of his health and inflicting him with deadly poison. Porom rummages desperately in the party’s bag for an antidote, but discovers to her horror that there are none left! She casts cure instead. Palom and Tellah sear Milon’s flesh with fire. Milon looms up at them.


Milon Z.: Join my undead legions!

NARRATOR: The party is battered with glowing gas, bringing Palom to the brink of death. Porom scrambles to heal him. Soon, however, all but Porom suffer from the effects of Milon’s creeping poison, and the little white mage tries her best to keep her friends alive as the poison eats through their veins. Tellah and Palom continue to rain fire upon Milon’s undead flesh. Cecil’s dark sword is all but useless against the evil creature. Seized with inspiration, he pulls a hi-potion from the party’s pack and hurls it at Milon. Though the damage inflicted is nowhere near that of the fire attacks of the mages, it is a deadlier attack than the dulled edge of his dark blade. Finally, the intensity of Palom’s flames incinerates Milon’s monstrous form.

MUSIC CUE: STOP “The Dreadful Fight” PLAY “Victory Fanfare”

NARRATOR: Milon, staggered and defeated, stands before Cecil on the bridge.

Milon: H-How could I possibly lose to…?

SOUND EFFECT: “Rumble rumble”

NARRATOR: The mountain trembles, and Milon loses his balance and tumbles from the bridge. He manages to clutch at the wooden slats for a moment to halt his fall.

Milon: See you in hell!

NARRATOR: Milon loses his grip and [Calvin Redburn: I think this sounds better without these four words. Yea, nay?] plummets towards the ground far below.

SOUND EFFECT: “Falling” MUSIC CUE: FADE IN “Mt. Ordeals”

Obstacles overcome, Cecil, Tellah, Porom, and Palom approach the standing stones. Cecil reaches forward and touches the plinth in the center of the circle.

MUSIC CUE: STOP “Mt. Ordeals” START “The Lunarians”

A voice rings out.

Mysterious Voice: My son…

Cecil: Son…?

NARRATOR: There is a flash of bright yellow light, and Cecil and the others are pulled by some invisible and inexorable force against the stone plinth and then, inexplicably, through it. Cecil and the others find themselves in a silver room with no doors or windows. Strange patterns are traced on the floor, and the far wall is covered in mirrored silver tiles. Cecil can see himself reflected there. The voice reverberates around them.

Mysterious Voice: Through much sorrow have I longed for your coming. I shall now entrust you with my power. By doing so, my pain will only grow. But there is no other way.

NARRATOR: Cecil takes a step forward, approaching his reflection in the mirror. Above his reflected double a sword appears, wavering in the silver light. It floats downward, shimmering and solidifying, sliding seamlessly out of the reflection and into Cecil’s hand, which seems to raise of its own accord to meet the hilt of the glowing sword. As soon as he touches it, a shining circle of stars spirals from the edges of the room to fill him with its light.


Cecil’s dark armor melts away and he finds himself clad in a breastplate of silver, cloaked in gold, and crowned with light. The nameless voice fills his head.

Mysterious Voice: Break from your past and overcome your darkness. Only then will you receive the holy power.

MUSIC CUE: STOP “The Lunarians”

NARRATOR: There is a flash of blinding white light. From the mirror emerges Cecil’s reflection, armored still as a dark night. The Cecil clad in darkness strides towards the Cecil clad in light. He turns to meet himself and his fate.

END EPISODE 03 [RPG Rabbit: I think ending at “Son…?” is too abrupt. This gives both a satisfying ending and an exciting cliffhanger. And he hasn’t become a paladin yet, so episode 5 can STILL be The Rise of a Paladin.]

RPG RABBIT: Thus concludes episode three of the Spoony Bard’s aural theatre production of Final Fantasy IV. In the next heart-pounding episode, Cecil does battle with demons within and without! Sacrifices are made! Old friends are reunited! Cecil’s adventures just keep getting more and more awesome, so you don’t want to miss it.

CALVIN: Thank you for listening! Follow us on Twitter @thespooniest, look for us on Facebook as The Spoony Bard’s Aural Theatre, and check out our website at We’re on Libsyn, iTunes, and Stitcher!
RPG RABBIT: Until next time…the Crystals shed their light silently.